This one ends with explosions but don't get your hopes up because I didn't write them yet
And so, there I was, falling. Once again. "How do I get myself in these situations?" I said to no one in particular, the air rushing past as it pulled the words from my lips. Actually, more like shook them free. The air has a funny way of jiggling the loose fleshiness of lips as a body hurtles through it nearing terminal velocity. "Ugh, why me?" This was always happening, lately more often than in the past. I should have chosen a safer profession. Maybe being a secret agent rocket scientist rock star was just a little too exciting for me, I needed a job where I could sit my ass in a seat and stare at a computer screen all day. That would cheer me up. The sound of an approaching scream made me wish I didn't have such awesome super hearing, somehow the sound waves from the approaching ninja's yells were able to break their way through the loud whoosh of air screaming past my lips. "AAAAHHHHHHH." He wasn't used to this, falling; his body should have been flat and horizontal to the ground to slow him down, instead he was plummeting headfirst. "Amateur," I told him as he flew past me toward certain death. This mess could be traced back to my parents, the jerks. First they made a baby as handsome as I am which destined me to be a rock star, I couldn't let this luscious hair go to waste, and then they forced me to follow in both of their footsteps. If only I would have been born hideously ugly and they let me live my own life I could be sipping coffee in a homeless shelter right now. I made a note to tell them off if I survived.
It Is a Story Called "Robutts"
The year is 2075.
"What?"
Shhh, let me finish.
"Finish what?"
I'm narrating, sheesh. The year is 2075. In a dystopian former United States, we join our protagonist, Izzy, as she continues her fight against the robot overlords that have since overrun the entirety of the world. She plans to begin her crusade in the country that birthed her, but eventually she will end up saving the world from certain doom. On this particular afternoon she is strapped face down on a cold, surgical table. Naked from the waist down she is forced to expose her nicely shaped ass for all to see as the robots prepare to violate her. Could this be the end for our beautiful heroine? Will she survive the horrors that these metal monster plan on inflicting upon her insides? Clearly she will, as I've already foreshadowed that she saves the whole world, but stay on the edge of your seat in the interim.
"You done yet?" Izzy said. "I thought you were here for moral support but all you've done so far is chatter on. Hold my hand already, I've never had anything shoved in my ass before and I'm a tiny bit creeped out about the whole idea."
She couldn't deal with the situation she was facing, the only way she knew how to get through was to imagine she was somewhere else, in a better time with her amazing boyfriend Henry.
"Try ex-boyfriend."
In her mind, Isabel was back in a doctor's office shortly before the uprising. One of the first to test the abilities of these micro robots, she never would have believed this moment would later give her the knowledge to save the human race. Due to cancer, much of her intestines had to be removed. In the past this would have meant a colostomy bag for the rest of her life, but recently there had been advances in robotics that allowed thousands of them to be injected inside her in order to help process and push the waste out of her body. She was merely a test subject but had high hopes for this day to make her life somewhat normal again because she wouldn't have to carry a bag of shit and piss around with her everywhere.
"Oh so this is the future? Then why are you holding that bag of feces? Just happened to find it on the street on the way to your next narration gig?"
That never happened. There is no bag of feces in your narrator's hand.
Uh Oh Probably Bad Idea to Write About Sucky Things
I climbed in out of despair. Naked feet wrapped stiffly around my lower incisors. This process had to be performed as quickly as possible so as to prevent myself from biting down while only partially through the gap. Nobody wants to get cut in half by their own mouth.
I jumped down from my perch, landing squarely on the spongy, slippery tongue below. It slipped between my toes, tickling the mostly untickled spaces between them. My toes aren't the prettiest of toes, by the way, crooked in weird ways, the big toes are a Fred Flintstonian mess. This kept me from looking at them too much and allowed a bit of an earlier turkey sandwich to get lodged between my big toe and whatever toe sits next to it.
"Where to begin?" I wondered out loud. The soft tissues of my mouth ate the words, stifling any possibilities of echoes in the open cavern surrounding me.
The further I ventured in the more hot and humid it became. Past the uvula, down the esophagus, and finally finding my place inside my stomach as it expanded and contracted.
My day had been consumed with extremes. This had been the case for months at this point, the emotions within me were tearing me apart by the day. It grew ever stronger on this particular day. It all became too much. One minute I couldn't bear the weight of the world, the despair within me ate my very soul. The next moment the world was my oyster, birds were singing, the wun was shining, optimism flowed from my veins in painfully joyous rivers.
And then it was back to the pit of despair. This was where my emotions were located at the time that I decided to venture within my nerve wracked body. The pessimism, the self doubt, self hatred, self loathing, rushing and coursing. Would I forever be alone? Would she ever love me again? I could feel the desperation eating away at my insides. Stomach falling in on itself.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Ugghhh...Crap...Zombies? Srsly?
The group struggled to pull open the massive stone doors covering the entrance.
"Maybe we should give up on this," Carl said. It sort of slid out of his throat, pushed out all at once by the labored breaths he was taking in.
"Shut up you out of shape bastard, this could be the find of the century and you want to leave it the fuck alone because you can't catch your motherfucking breath? Man up, pussy." God, I sure do have a potty mouth.
The other three with us grunted in agreement, most likely with me since they continued pulling.
"Well, no, just..maybe it's locked?"
"You see a keyhole numb nuts? Just shut up and reposition the pry bar."
An hour before this argument we had been fighting our way through the Brazilian jungle. Specifically, we were trying to find our way back out. Our plane had crashed nearby, us being the only survivors out of the hundred or so on board. It was a terrifying experience, both during the crash and wandering our way through the jungle. We came across this temple quite suddenly and were intrigued, drawn to it. There was something that told us that we had to get inside, and that's how we got where we are now.
All at once the five of us fell back as the doors finally broke free.
"Finally!" I said under my breath as we dusted ourselves off. "I knew it would jar loose at some point."
We slowly pulled the doors the rest of the way open, dirt falling away from the pitted rock with each inch. Light rays broke through the thinning dust, pointing out the most spectacular areas of the beautiful room ahead of us. Carefully we progressed inward, breathless, unable to express the amazement we felt for our discovery.
The walls were coated in gold, each inch shinier than the last. There were goblets filled with gems of all colors, jewelry made of every precious metal imaginable. But something wasn't right, I could feel there was something that I was overlooking in my excitement over all the money we would now have.
And then it hit me, the retched odor pervading the room, and I guess the corpses strewn across the floor, hanging from the chandeliers, bent over the stair and balcony banisters. Corpses of men, women, children. They were piled up in heaps wearing clothing that could only be hundreds of years old. And yet, they were perfectly preserved. These weren't skeletons but rather full fleshy corpses, slightly decomposed and surely worse for the wear but after hundreds of years they should not have been in this condition. Were they somehow fresh? Had there been a society here for hundreds of years that mysteriously passed away recently?
I stepped near one, peering down at it hoping to decipher something from the twisted face below me. Suddenly the corpse reached out and grabbed my leg.
"Fuck!" I screamed in a high pitched, little girl screech.
Fingers tore through the leg of my jeans, ripping into the flesh of my calf and shin. I ripped my leg away from its grasp and fell backward into Carl's awaiting arms behind me. The corpse slowly worked its way to its feet and I realized that this wasn't the only one still alive. Every corpse strewn throughout the massive room was either attempting to stand up on rotten limbs or already lumbering toward the group of us.
"What's going on? How are these things still alive?" Carl said in my ear.
"There's no time to ponder this shit, Carl! We need to get out of here!"
I regained my balance and followed the others as they began running toward the blinding square entrance we had just come from. Somehow a few of these corpses, zombies possibly, had snuck up behind us and were between us and the doorway. Thinking fast I noticed a huge gold chain laying in our path. Picking it up I began swinging it wildly above my head.
"Duck!" I yelled to the four ahead of me. They trusted me and dropped to the ground just as I flung the chain forward. It connected with the neck of the closest zombie and tore his head off in one quick motion. With head no longer attached the rest of his body limply toppled to the ground. I kept swinging this chain, tearing off legs and arms all the way, as my friends followed behind me fighting off the zombies coming from the other direction.
We finally reached the doors and put all our weight into closing them. Slowly the opening got smaller and smaller, as the zombies got ever closer. Luckily it was much easier going on the way inward. Just as the zombies arrived we were able to close the doorway, catching a few arms in the gap. The snap of them as they shattered was sickening.
"What the fuck were those?" everyone said in unison. We had known eachother for so long that we knew what the others would say.
"I don't know, zombies I guess? They were pretty rotten but nowhere near what they should have been by how old they were." I had a little experience with diseases of past civilizations from a class I took in elementary school by the same name, and this seemed like something I remembered happening in Peru. "It's possible that there was something inside that temple that made them this way. I wonder if there was an idol that did that."
The more I thought about it the more plausible it sounded.
"I be they were trying to plunder this temple when they came across the idol. It's probably too beautiful to resist, and this is how it spreads its curse. I've seen this on movies and tv shows a lot. It's probably best that they attacked us before we saw it."
We waited outside there for a short while longer, catching our breath, praying that none of us were inflicted by the disease. And decided to forget it had ever happened, continuing to fight our way through the jungle in hopes of escaping the death that awaited us, the death even outside the temple.
"Maybe we should give up on this," Carl said. It sort of slid out of his throat, pushed out all at once by the labored breaths he was taking in.
"Shut up you out of shape bastard, this could be the find of the century and you want to leave it the fuck alone because you can't catch your motherfucking breath? Man up, pussy." God, I sure do have a potty mouth.
The other three with us grunted in agreement, most likely with me since they continued pulling.
"Well, no, just..maybe it's locked?"
"You see a keyhole numb nuts? Just shut up and reposition the pry bar."
An hour before this argument we had been fighting our way through the Brazilian jungle. Specifically, we were trying to find our way back out. Our plane had crashed nearby, us being the only survivors out of the hundred or so on board. It was a terrifying experience, both during the crash and wandering our way through the jungle. We came across this temple quite suddenly and were intrigued, drawn to it. There was something that told us that we had to get inside, and that's how we got where we are now.
All at once the five of us fell back as the doors finally broke free.
"Finally!" I said under my breath as we dusted ourselves off. "I knew it would jar loose at some point."
We slowly pulled the doors the rest of the way open, dirt falling away from the pitted rock with each inch. Light rays broke through the thinning dust, pointing out the most spectacular areas of the beautiful room ahead of us. Carefully we progressed inward, breathless, unable to express the amazement we felt for our discovery.
The walls were coated in gold, each inch shinier than the last. There were goblets filled with gems of all colors, jewelry made of every precious metal imaginable. But something wasn't right, I could feel there was something that I was overlooking in my excitement over all the money we would now have.
And then it hit me, the retched odor pervading the room, and I guess the corpses strewn across the floor, hanging from the chandeliers, bent over the stair and balcony banisters. Corpses of men, women, children. They were piled up in heaps wearing clothing that could only be hundreds of years old. And yet, they were perfectly preserved. These weren't skeletons but rather full fleshy corpses, slightly decomposed and surely worse for the wear but after hundreds of years they should not have been in this condition. Were they somehow fresh? Had there been a society here for hundreds of years that mysteriously passed away recently?
I stepped near one, peering down at it hoping to decipher something from the twisted face below me. Suddenly the corpse reached out and grabbed my leg.
"Fuck!" I screamed in a high pitched, little girl screech.
Fingers tore through the leg of my jeans, ripping into the flesh of my calf and shin. I ripped my leg away from its grasp and fell backward into Carl's awaiting arms behind me. The corpse slowly worked its way to its feet and I realized that this wasn't the only one still alive. Every corpse strewn throughout the massive room was either attempting to stand up on rotten limbs or already lumbering toward the group of us.
"What's going on? How are these things still alive?" Carl said in my ear.
"There's no time to ponder this shit, Carl! We need to get out of here!"
I regained my balance and followed the others as they began running toward the blinding square entrance we had just come from. Somehow a few of these corpses, zombies possibly, had snuck up behind us and were between us and the doorway. Thinking fast I noticed a huge gold chain laying in our path. Picking it up I began swinging it wildly above my head.
"Duck!" I yelled to the four ahead of me. They trusted me and dropped to the ground just as I flung the chain forward. It connected with the neck of the closest zombie and tore his head off in one quick motion. With head no longer attached the rest of his body limply toppled to the ground. I kept swinging this chain, tearing off legs and arms all the way, as my friends followed behind me fighting off the zombies coming from the other direction.
We finally reached the doors and put all our weight into closing them. Slowly the opening got smaller and smaller, as the zombies got ever closer. Luckily it was much easier going on the way inward. Just as the zombies arrived we were able to close the doorway, catching a few arms in the gap. The snap of them as they shattered was sickening.
"What the fuck were those?" everyone said in unison. We had known eachother for so long that we knew what the others would say.
"I don't know, zombies I guess? They were pretty rotten but nowhere near what they should have been by how old they were." I had a little experience with diseases of past civilizations from a class I took in elementary school by the same name, and this seemed like something I remembered happening in Peru. "It's possible that there was something inside that temple that made them this way. I wonder if there was an idol that did that."
The more I thought about it the more plausible it sounded.
"I be they were trying to plunder this temple when they came across the idol. It's probably too beautiful to resist, and this is how it spreads its curse. I've seen this on movies and tv shows a lot. It's probably best that they attacked us before we saw it."
We waited outside there for a short while longer, catching our breath, praying that none of us were inflicted by the disease. And decided to forget it had ever happened, continuing to fight our way through the jungle in hopes of escaping the death that awaited us, the death even outside the temple.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Kick Fight Punch
I watched the bodies float past me, downriver, as rivers tend to head. Bullet ridden, face down. They swam in their own blood. Blood that twisted and swirled around the outstretched limbs that had moments before wrestled with the rushing rapids.
"Friends of yours?"
"You could say I knew them a whole lot."
She just stared back blankly.
"You know, bullet hole? Whole lot?"
"Oh I got it, it was just a terrible pun. After being with you for this long you'd think your stupid humor would have rubbed off on me by now." Her mouth moved to the left side of her face. "Nope, still nothing."
Ashley had been in my life for roughly three years at this point. Both of us work long hours which makes it difficult to meet other people, friends in general, lovers more specifically. As luck would have it we were both working when we first met, we were on opposite sides of the situation but it was clearly love at first sight.
Sometimes ninjas meet in battle. Sometimes these ninjas fall in love.
"So, bullets? You couldn't have disposed of them in a more clean and efficient manner?" She wasn't a fan of such methods, her trainer always taught her that there was always a body part or blunt object to take care of your problems.
"Eh, wasn't by choice. They came at me with guns and I wasn't about to let the fuckers shoot me, so I grabbed the first guy's gun and shot the rest. You would have done the same in my situation, baby. Besides, as you can see I just snapped the neck of the dude I took the gun from."
She looked down river at the thug I was pointing at. "That's a girl! I'd hope you would be able to take care of her without a gun, pussy."
"Whatever, did you grab the diamonds?"
"Yeah, yeah. They're right here in my ass pocket." She shook her ass in my direction to prove it.
"Sweet, now can we please get out of here? I've gotta meet the guys soon, the football game is about to start."
"Friends of yours?"
"You could say I knew them a whole lot."
She just stared back blankly.
"You know, bullet hole? Whole lot?"
"Oh I got it, it was just a terrible pun. After being with you for this long you'd think your stupid humor would have rubbed off on me by now." Her mouth moved to the left side of her face. "Nope, still nothing."
Ashley had been in my life for roughly three years at this point. Both of us work long hours which makes it difficult to meet other people, friends in general, lovers more specifically. As luck would have it we were both working when we first met, we were on opposite sides of the situation but it was clearly love at first sight.
Sometimes ninjas meet in battle. Sometimes these ninjas fall in love.
"So, bullets? You couldn't have disposed of them in a more clean and efficient manner?" She wasn't a fan of such methods, her trainer always taught her that there was always a body part or blunt object to take care of your problems.
"Eh, wasn't by choice. They came at me with guns and I wasn't about to let the fuckers shoot me, so I grabbed the first guy's gun and shot the rest. You would have done the same in my situation, baby. Besides, as you can see I just snapped the neck of the dude I took the gun from."
She looked down river at the thug I was pointing at. "That's a girl! I'd hope you would be able to take care of her without a gun, pussy."
"Whatever, did you grab the diamonds?"
"Yeah, yeah. They're right here in my ass pocket." She shook her ass in my direction to prove it.
"Sweet, now can we please get out of here? I've gotta meet the guys soon, the football game is about to start."
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Whore Ass Bitch
"Don't close your eyes."
"Huh?" John was startled back into consciousness. He had been daydreaming again, as usual, this time it was about beetles. It seemed to him that were basically roaches but smaller. Huge shell on their back, low to the ground, tiny little legs for scurrying. What distinguished the two things? "You know, the idea with taking spontaneous pictures is to be actually spontaneous. Your subject shouldn't see it coming, it makes for much more real pictures that way, you don't get a dopey stare at the camera like you're about to get from me."
John let his cheeks and mouth droop down, pulling at the skin below his eyes ever so slightly, not enough for a person to consciously notice it but still enough for the brain to grasp the difference. He looked bored this way, mouth slightly ajar, almost as if he was a brainless zombie ready for his next meal.
"Just don't close them!" Maria yelled at him. "And look natural!"
"You're not getting it, I can't just act natural, I have to be natural."
"Shut your face. And your mouth, nobody wants to see your tongue laying there behind your stupid lips!"
An outsider would have thought they were angry with each other but that was far from the case. This banter came natural to the two of them, it was something that made them both feel comfortable. A certain kind of give and take. Mostly consisting of giving shit, followed by taking that shit and giving it back.
"Can we go yet? This beach is more of a needle filled rock quarry than a beach, where's the fucking sand?"
Maria glared at him from around her camera. "I said be natural, dick! Go stand on that rock and look off into the distance like you're off daydreaming."
"Maybe you should have just taken a picture of me when I was actually daydreaming, genius."
This back and forth gave them the brain exercise that they so craved. Although it mostly consisted of juvenile insults, calling each other stupid names usually, something about it felt like they were being creative and quelled their needs to actually create for the moment.
"Whatever, jerk."
"Twat."
"Fuck ass."
John had finally had enough and took a flying leap from the rock he was perched on, tackling her to the hard, jagged gravel below. "A fuck ass? What does that even mean?" He taunted her while sitting on top of her chest, holding her wrists down so she couldn't start swinging as she normally would.
Maria hissed at him like an angry cat. A trickle of blood began to appear from beneath one of her wrists and John let up his grip on her, slowly climbing off the top of her and helping her up to her feet.
He wiped the blood from her wrist and licked it off his finger.
As he cleaned his finger off, Maria looked up at him with hopeful eyes.
"So, does this mean you want a second date?"
"Huh?" John was startled back into consciousness. He had been daydreaming again, as usual, this time it was about beetles. It seemed to him that were basically roaches but smaller. Huge shell on their back, low to the ground, tiny little legs for scurrying. What distinguished the two things? "You know, the idea with taking spontaneous pictures is to be actually spontaneous. Your subject shouldn't see it coming, it makes for much more real pictures that way, you don't get a dopey stare at the camera like you're about to get from me."
John let his cheeks and mouth droop down, pulling at the skin below his eyes ever so slightly, not enough for a person to consciously notice it but still enough for the brain to grasp the difference. He looked bored this way, mouth slightly ajar, almost as if he was a brainless zombie ready for his next meal.
"Just don't close them!" Maria yelled at him. "And look natural!"
"You're not getting it, I can't just act natural, I have to be natural."
"Shut your face. And your mouth, nobody wants to see your tongue laying there behind your stupid lips!"
An outsider would have thought they were angry with each other but that was far from the case. This banter came natural to the two of them, it was something that made them both feel comfortable. A certain kind of give and take. Mostly consisting of giving shit, followed by taking that shit and giving it back.
"Can we go yet? This beach is more of a needle filled rock quarry than a beach, where's the fucking sand?"
Maria glared at him from around her camera. "I said be natural, dick! Go stand on that rock and look off into the distance like you're off daydreaming."
"Maybe you should have just taken a picture of me when I was actually daydreaming, genius."
This back and forth gave them the brain exercise that they so craved. Although it mostly consisted of juvenile insults, calling each other stupid names usually, something about it felt like they were being creative and quelled their needs to actually create for the moment.
"Whatever, jerk."
"Twat."
"Fuck ass."
John had finally had enough and took a flying leap from the rock he was perched on, tackling her to the hard, jagged gravel below. "A fuck ass? What does that even mean?" He taunted her while sitting on top of her chest, holding her wrists down so she couldn't start swinging as she normally would.
Maria hissed at him like an angry cat. A trickle of blood began to appear from beneath one of her wrists and John let up his grip on her, slowly climbing off the top of her and helping her up to her feet.
He wiped the blood from her wrist and licked it off his finger.
As he cleaned his finger off, Maria looked up at him with hopeful eyes.
"So, does this mean you want a second date?"
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Enjoin
I stood upon what little earth would hold my weight, fingers digging into the rock above me, muscles tightening as they worked to pull me up. I had been here for months, on the side of this mountain bearing the elements at my back. The top only inches from my grasp.
But as I moved skyward so did the earth, ever so slightly but just enough.
"We'll be there soon honey," I yelled over my shoulder, downward. She hung there, swinging, as she had done for as long as I could remember. Her lifeless body just dangling from the rope that we had tied between us as we began our ascent of this great peak. She looked peaceful while she dug the rope into my shoulders. Ripping. Tearing. Burning. My skin had given way to pure meat, and yet I couldn't bring myself to cut her loose. We had set out to conquer this, together.
"It can't be," she had told me numerous times. Although I did listen to her, I never did take it to heart. I have always been stubborn, believing that if I work hard enough I can make anything happen. My mother is probably to blame for this thinking. Anything is possible.
"It's worth trying though, we'll regret it for the rest of our lives if we don't at least try."
If I could have seen the future I may not have pushed so hard for this. We would have parted ways and never spoke of it again. But I of course trudged on toward the infinity that extended above us, the same infinity that would soon rest below.
I pulled myself further upward.
The cliff face stretched vertically, parallel with my straining body. Wind whipping perpendicular to us as I tried to pull myself as close to the rock as possible, wishing to be thinner, wishing to be one with the mountain so I couldn't be pushed off into the abyss.
A single rock crumbled off beneath me. I regained my footing adeptly and listened for the rock to finish its descent. All I heard was the whistle of it as it plummeted, slowly fading away into nothing.
"Well, maybe not the whole mountain is safe," I told her.
Silence.
Things continued this way for weeks to come. I climbed and yet made no ground.
I never did reach the peak, we would both end up back at the base of this mountain that we had set out to climb despite the odds against us. My body finally gave up on me as she had given up on us so many times before we began. The fall was much quicker than one would assume given the distance covered in the previous months, but it was enough time to remember the life we had led, give her one last kiss, and hold on to her until we met the ground.
I always hold on too long, maybe if I had let her go earlier things would have ended better for me. She was doomed from the moment she said she was, I just allowed myself to be pulled into the void alongside her.
But as I moved skyward so did the earth, ever so slightly but just enough.
"We'll be there soon honey," I yelled over my shoulder, downward. She hung there, swinging, as she had done for as long as I could remember. Her lifeless body just dangling from the rope that we had tied between us as we began our ascent of this great peak. She looked peaceful while she dug the rope into my shoulders. Ripping. Tearing. Burning. My skin had given way to pure meat, and yet I couldn't bring myself to cut her loose. We had set out to conquer this, together.
"It can't be," she had told me numerous times. Although I did listen to her, I never did take it to heart. I have always been stubborn, believing that if I work hard enough I can make anything happen. My mother is probably to blame for this thinking. Anything is possible.
"It's worth trying though, we'll regret it for the rest of our lives if we don't at least try."
If I could have seen the future I may not have pushed so hard for this. We would have parted ways and never spoke of it again. But I of course trudged on toward the infinity that extended above us, the same infinity that would soon rest below.
I pulled myself further upward.
The cliff face stretched vertically, parallel with my straining body. Wind whipping perpendicular to us as I tried to pull myself as close to the rock as possible, wishing to be thinner, wishing to be one with the mountain so I couldn't be pushed off into the abyss.
A single rock crumbled off beneath me. I regained my footing adeptly and listened for the rock to finish its descent. All I heard was the whistle of it as it plummeted, slowly fading away into nothing.
"Well, maybe not the whole mountain is safe," I told her.
Silence.
Things continued this way for weeks to come. I climbed and yet made no ground.
I never did reach the peak, we would both end up back at the base of this mountain that we had set out to climb despite the odds against us. My body finally gave up on me as she had given up on us so many times before we began. The fall was much quicker than one would assume given the distance covered in the previous months, but it was enough time to remember the life we had led, give her one last kiss, and hold on to her until we met the ground.
I always hold on too long, maybe if I had let her go earlier things would have ended better for me. She was doomed from the moment she said she was, I just allowed myself to be pulled into the void alongside her.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
So Awkward; I Shouldn't Try Things Like This Again
The doorbell rang.
"What now?" Pete said to himself.
He peered out the window in an attempt at seeing who was at the door. The house was old and hadn't been built very well though, the wall seemed to curve which made it impossible to see anyone standing in front of the door unless they were a few steps back. This was not the case, whomever was standing there knew the way the building was warped and didn't want to be seen.
"Joe? Is that you?" he yelled through the door. Joe was his landlord, the only one who ever stopped by regularly and one of the only ones who would know about the wall. Incidentally he was also the only one who would have a reason to hide from Pete. "I can hear you breathing!" He couldn't.
Pete thought to himself that maybe it was ninjas out there prepared to attack him when he opened the door. He looked through the window again for any signs of them hiding in the bushes. Nothing.
Finally he decided he might as well open the door. It was Joe, just as he had expected.
"What do you want this time? I already paid my rent for the month!"
Joe looked puzzled as he opened up his ledger.
"Oops, seems we were wrong. Have a nice day." He turned around and headed for his car, still running in the driveway.
Pete quickly closed the door, locking each of the four latches from top to bottom. He returned to his computer nearby and began typing.
The windows exploded around me.
"Frig ass!" I said in exasperation. "Again?"
I peered out one of the shattered windows, looking for the ninjas that were sure to be out there. Yep, hiding in trees, on top of neighboring houses, inside the dog house, one was even hanging from the power line. Not the most stealthy ninjas I'd ever encountered, I would have still noticed them even without them alerting me of their presence by tossing sound waves through my windows.
"Leave me alone!" I screamed. "And get out of Fluffy's dog house!"
A tap on the shoulder made me turn around quicker than I should have, sending me off balance and toppling to the floor.
"Oh look at that, you can be stealthy at times." Joe the Ninja Master had reached me while I worried about them spilling Fluffy's food out of her bowl. "What do you want this time? I already paid my rent for the month!"
He looked puzzled as he opened up his ledger.
"Oops, seems we were wrong. Have a nice day." He slowly walked away, climbing out the window being careful of the shards of glass still wedged in the frame.
"What now?" Pete said to himself.
He peered out the window in an attempt at seeing who was at the door. The house was old and hadn't been built very well though, the wall seemed to curve which made it impossible to see anyone standing in front of the door unless they were a few steps back. This was not the case, whomever was standing there knew the way the building was warped and didn't want to be seen.
"Joe? Is that you?" he yelled through the door. Joe was his landlord, the only one who ever stopped by regularly and one of the only ones who would know about the wall. Incidentally he was also the only one who would have a reason to hide from Pete. "I can hear you breathing!" He couldn't.
Pete thought to himself that maybe it was ninjas out there prepared to attack him when he opened the door. He looked through the window again for any signs of them hiding in the bushes. Nothing.
Finally he decided he might as well open the door. It was Joe, just as he had expected.
"What do you want this time? I already paid my rent for the month!"
Joe looked puzzled as he opened up his ledger.
"Oops, seems we were wrong. Have a nice day." He turned around and headed for his car, still running in the driveway.
Pete quickly closed the door, locking each of the four latches from top to bottom. He returned to his computer nearby and began typing.
The windows exploded around me.
"Frig ass!" I said in exasperation. "Again?"
I peered out one of the shattered windows, looking for the ninjas that were sure to be out there. Yep, hiding in trees, on top of neighboring houses, inside the dog house, one was even hanging from the power line. Not the most stealthy ninjas I'd ever encountered, I would have still noticed them even without them alerting me of their presence by tossing sound waves through my windows.
"Leave me alone!" I screamed. "And get out of Fluffy's dog house!"
A tap on the shoulder made me turn around quicker than I should have, sending me off balance and toppling to the floor.
"Oh look at that, you can be stealthy at times." Joe the Ninja Master had reached me while I worried about them spilling Fluffy's food out of her bowl. "What do you want this time? I already paid my rent for the month!"
He looked puzzled as he opened up his ledger.
"Oops, seems we were wrong. Have a nice day." He slowly walked away, climbing out the window being careful of the shards of glass still wedged in the frame.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Catalyst + MongoDB = wat?
This probably wasn't the smartest of ways to begin learning how MongoDB works. I probably could have started with something much more simple to get used to MongoDB before jumping into something that didn't have any current support for it. There's a simple way to use Mysql with Catalyst, just use DBIx::Class as your model and you're all set. Not so with something as new as MongoDB.
I've found myself creating and recreating ways to do the model as I learn a better way to do work in Mongo. At this point, most of what I've done has been cannibalized from other spots online, taking full advantage of Moose. I hope full advantage.
My first hurdle so far was making a simple MongoDB model for Catalyst, which I made and then found a better one on Git, here thanks to orlandov
With that working I've slightly modified his usage of it to fit the models I've got, and have moved onto making a Catalyst Authentication class for MongoDB. I modeled this after the KiokuDB Authentication/User stuff, removing role stuff for now and changing it to fit my needs. The main change being:
At this point it looks like I've got the hard part out of the way. Now I just need to flesh out the controls and views, should be ready in a day or two in a very ugly state, my design skills sure are shittastic.
I've found myself creating and recreating ways to do the model as I learn a better way to do work in Mongo. At this point, most of what I've done has been cannibalized from other spots online, taking full advantage of Moose. I hope full advantage.
My first hurdle so far was making a simple MongoDB model for Catalyst, which I made and then found a better one on Git, here thanks to orlandov
With that working I've slightly modified his usage of it to fit the models I've got, and have moved onto making a Catalyst Authentication class for MongoDB. I modeled this after the KiokuDB Authentication/User stuff, removing role stuff for now and changing it to fit my needs. The main change being:
sub find_user {
my ($self, $userinfo, $c) = @_;
my $db = $c->model($self->{config}->{user_model});
return $db->first_user({_id => $userinfo->{id}}) if $userinfo->{id};
return bless $db->first_user($userinfo), $self->config->{'store_user_class'};
}
At this point it looks like I've got the hard part out of the way. Now I just need to flesh out the controls and views, should be ready in a day or two in a very ugly state, my design skills sure are shittastic.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
